the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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