I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
