I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
