Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
