2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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