after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
