that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize