Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
