i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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