Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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