im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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