mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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