My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
