Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
two words: eviction party
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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