I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
