I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
