i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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