look no pants
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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