my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
