i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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