I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
