DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
