did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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