Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize