he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
