Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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