Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
zippers are such a cool invention
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
