you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
