my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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