You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
