I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
