the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
