i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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