i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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