youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Enjoy the penises
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
