Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
