He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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