Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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