Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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