i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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