dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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