The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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