standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just gargled with NyQuil
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
