new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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