I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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