my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
