why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
