She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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