he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
