I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
