either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
