I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
