my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
