I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
