He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
