like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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