Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
