Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
