You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He? As in you personified your dick?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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