mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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