Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
