I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
