i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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